Since I relocated my blog from LuckiestGirlEver.com to SoAliciaSays.com, I’ve done a pretty shitty job of documenting events in my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried. I’ve guilt tripped myself into uploading photos that were already on Instagram and writing recaps of events that happened months ago. And a few posts have come out okay but for the most part, this new blog has served as more of an obligatory diary than what I feel a blog *should* be: a home to my thoughts, feelings, personal growth, wanderings, and yes activities and events in life.
I think the disconnect is my fault. I wanted to leave all the icky thoughts and feels and heavy-ass-emotions from 2014 on my other blog and start this one super fresh and fun.
But life isn’t always fun. And fun isn’t very deep.
By regurgitating only the social-sharing-worthy events on this blog I have effectively cut off its heart and soul. I’ve cut off the deepest part of ME.
Though the posts of 2014 on LGE were hard to write and probably even harder to read, I am *so* glad I was writing during that time. I barely remember everything that happened last year, let alone everything I felt. I’ve re-read some of those posts and impressed myself – how did I hold it all together? How did I even find the TIME to write?
Anyway, I’ve realized that as long as I avoid talking about my feelings on this blog it will be a shallow, sickly place to be.
So here I am the day after Thanksgiving to write out some updates with feels:
Thanksgiving was both wonderful and awful this year.
- The wonderful: I’m alive, I’m healthy, most of the people I love are alive and healthy, the weather was gorgeous. Vince and I drove to Merritt Island and had dinner with Mia. I didn’t have to cook *at all*. We put up the tree and took ridiculously cute photos of the kitties.
- The awful: There was a hole where my Daddy should have been. We got a table for 3 instead of a table for 4. I missed him so much my heart felt like it was rotting inside of my chest and the big hole I danced around all last year opened back up. I said “I want my Daddy.” And Mia said “I want my husband.” And Daddy was so obviously absent that it damn near broke me in public. So then we went home and it DID break me. I cried almost the entire time I put up the tree.
I don’t know what “family” means anymore.
- Before 2014: I had it figured out, I guess. I had two Uncles, Daddy and Mia, Vince, Cody. It wasn’t a traditional family by *any* means by it was a family, damnit. And it was mine.
- After 2014: No Daddy. Half a Mia. Vince. Cody. No Uncles. But I have my sister now… and my stepsister. It might not sound like it right now but I am so incredibly grateful for what I do have.
I am STILL in therapy.
- Good news: I’ve processed a lot of my Daddy and crazy-Mia-health trauma. I’m through it, mostly, though of course grieving will never be over, will it? Grief is a buffet that I will never be done dining from.
- Bad News? Last year, five days before Christmas on the day of Daddy’s funeral – after not showing up or in any way acknowledging his funeral – my Uncles dropped an atom bomb on our relationship. They emailed me some of the cruelest, most horrific and malicious things a human can say to another.When I scheduled an emergency appointment with my therapist last Christmas and read everything to her, sobbing and shaking the entire time, she told me that they were not emotionally safe people and we tabled the topic. But she and I both knew then that those words – the loss of my 2nd and 3rd most valued family members by their own violation on the night I laid to rest my 1st most valued – I knew that those words were a nail in my emotional coffin.
A year later and I’m ready to deal with that loss. Because it IS a loss. Even if I manage to somehow find a place for them in my life again, the innocent, naive, blindly trusting version of myself who loved those guys with total and complete trust, is gone.
My life is a disaster and that’s okay because I’m not.
- My Life-Mess: I’ve lost more than anyone else I know which is probably why I took the loss of my Dad so hard. Seriously, it’s been a staggering amount of loss – Mom, Grandma, friends, Uncles, Daddy. Even my therapist is like “yeah you’ve experienced a LOT of loss, man.” I feel like if your therapist says it, then it’s true. When she said “Your mom is in my Top 5 Worst Client Mom’s List” I knew shit was serious.
- My Me-Mess: But she’s also, repeatedly, told me that I am an emotionally healthy individual. She’s helped me respect the things about myself that I take for granted – I’m extremely introspective, self-aware, and conscientious. And according to her, I am 100% emotionally sound, safe, and sane. I’m NOT perfect – I will never be perfect – but I’m not a mess. My world has fallen apart, but I haven’t. And I’m pretty damn proud of that.
So, that’s where I’m at right now – the REAL me, not the OMG LOOK AT ALL THE FUN THINGS I DO me. The real me is broken and hurting, and also healing.
And since this blog needs a photo, here’s a photo of me with someone else who is healing: Mia.