This one is in the “personal growth” category, aka the “I just gotta write this shit out sometimes” category, otherwise known as “putting the heart and soul back in my blog” category. i.e. No one needs to read this, but I need to write it.
Lately my sessions with my therapist have started with me saying something along the lines of the following:
- My friendships are a mess.
- My family is a mess.
- My life is a mess.
- My Daddy-emotions are still a mess, but at this point it’s a known/understood mess. There’s no surprises with this mess because death is pretty final. So, there’s not a whole lot left to clean-up here. (Thank you, therapy. #moneywellspent.)
- I’m a mess.
To which my therapist responds “well, where do you want to start figuring things out?”
My answer, “the common denominator in all of these many messes is me… so… I guess we should start there.”
To borrow from AA (again), we’ve started with me ‘taking inventory’ around my birthday. And at first the only inventory I had to take on myself was really, really negative. Between the last words from my Maid of Honor and my Uncles, combined with some shade I’ve caught from other friends, foes, and acquaintances over my lifetime, I netted out with the following inventory on myself. According to me (and a few other people) at my worst I’m:
- Really, really stupid.
- Too trusting.
- And a snob.
I’ve felt this way for the last year-ish. Basically, when I’m not at work or distracting myself with some fun event with friends, I legitimately dislike myself.
But then…. with time and my therapist… I started thinking a bit more rationally, with less negativity, and a little more kindness.
Last year was the worst year of my life so yeah, I sucked. I was less-than-present in friendships and with family. I was distracted and bitter and not pleasant to be around.
But I was doing the best I could. It was the best I could do when I was at my worst.
And as Marilyn said, if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.
Now I’m taking inventory in a more positive frame of mind. And here’s where I’ve netted out:
- I can be selfish and self-centered and domineering. But people love me anyway. Lots of people who have really good judgement and whom I respect.
- I can be controlling at times, for sure. But I’m also a care-taker, an organizer, a gatherer of people and friends and family and love.
- I am painfully naive and far, far too trusting. For some reason my heart defaults to assuming that others will treat me the way I treat them – love me as much as I love them – which also means I am honest and heartfelt and giving.
- But I’d rather be naive and trusting than bitter, hateful, and deceitful.
- I’m pretty fucking smart and witty and, on occasion, kind of funny.
- I’m loyal. To myself, to my loved ones, to my morals and my values.
- I have integrity. I stand by my word and I mean what I say.
- I’m self-aware, reflective, and even humble about 50% of the time. 🙂
- I’m a good person; a person worth knowing and worth loving.
So yeah. I spent 2014 focused on my family and sorting through the rubble that was our lives after February 23rd. I entered 2015 lost… really, really fucking lost. But I scheduled things and planned things and saw people. I distracted myself a lot, but I also got things figured out again.
I found me.
Or rather, I found the parts of me that I like again. And it turns out things aren’t so very messy after all.