*I published this post privately but after rereading the blurb About Me on the right side column, i decided to make it public. Because even though this post is cheesy and emotional and whatever…. It is the entire reason I started this blog in this new space with this new name. And it’s good. 🙂
For the first time since February, 2014…. I feel happy, grateful, loved, thankful, appreciative, enamored with the world, in love with the connections my soul has made with others.
I remember now….
I used to feel this way all the time. I remember crying tears of joy and appreciation and thankfulness one Thanksgiving when I looked around and saw my Uncles, my Dad, Mia, Vince, Joey, Cody… all in the same place for ME. Without ME this motley group of people had no reason to assemble – they had nothing in common. It was all for me. And I remember being so very happy and my heart being so full of love.
I didn’t realize this inner joy and peace was missing from my life. Or maybe I knew… I knew I felt unfulfilled. I knew I felt lonely. I knew I felt bitter and angry and resentful for all that had happened to me and that those Thanksgivings would never be possible again. Slowly those feelings have been lessening… but I guess I got used to their constant companionship.
Today, sitting on my back porch listening to birds chirp in the quiet hours of the morning with an overcast sky… today I remember what it felt like before February 2014. To love the world and my place within.
To feel joy over anger, gratefulness over resentment, to have a heart full of love and nothing else no matter who and how I was wronged in this life.
I remember peace. I feel it again in my heart and soul. And I had no idea how much I missed it.
I remember feeling, knowing, and being The Luckiest Girl Ever. Not because nothing bad or untoward had ever happened in my life but rather the opposite – because despite everything, I always came out okay in the end; still laughing, still loving, still marveling at my place in this world and amazed at how everything seemed to turn out okay. Who has that kind of luck? Who else can say the same? I knew I was fortunate. I knew I had so much to be grateful for. I used to feel so unique in that regard… until 2014.
I’m okay now. I don’t think I’ve said that in the last two and a half years and actually meant it. I still don’t have a family. I have still lost friends. I still miss – and will always miss – the life I used to have “before” and I have no idea if I will ever have anything resembling it again.
But I’m not angry anymore. I’m okay. And I’m going to be okay.