I’ve had an incredibly rough week since the election results came in and half the country voted for one of the most disgusting, disturbing, foul human beings to ever run for president of this country.
Since the results have come in I’ve gone from sad, to hurt, to angry, to depressed, back to angry, and mostly depressed.
I’ve cried in the tub, the car, at my therapists office (she’s just as frightened as I am, and she’s a lifelong Republican), with my coworkers (also lifelong Republicans, but now their kids are being called racial slurs at school – Cuban, Venezuelan, Japanese, African American, and Brazilian), in bed, on my couch, and on the floor of my closet.
I’ve deleted my Facebook account, I’ve set-up recurring donations to Planned Parenthood and the ACLU, and I’ve made a point to call every one of Senator Nelson and Rubio’s offices EVERY DAMN DAY with my concerns and fears. I’ve also called Senator’s McCain, Lindsey Gram, and Speaker Ryan’s offices daily for good measure.
I’ve taken as much anxiety medication as I can but nothing can make me not give a fuck anymore. I’ve worked myself up so badly that I can’t sleep and for the first time in nearly 15 years I actually want to cut again.
Basically, I am a 10 out of 10 on the anxiety-scale now and petrified – absolutely petrified – of what the future holds for our democracy.
So here are the things I’m sorry for, and some things I’m NOT sorry for – because I need to get these out of my head.
Without further ado, I’m sorry…..
- I didn’t work harder to show, not just tell, the reasons Hillary Clinton was the best candidate for the job of POTUS.
- For being too polite, too considerate, too respectful of the potential to offend someone with my vehement support of Hillary. For whatever reason I just didn’t stand up when people said “both sides were bad.”
- For assuming people would see “but one side is actually detrimental to human rights and the future of our planet.”
- That people trusted fake news sources, believed propaganda and lies, and were unable to perform unbiased research. I should have educated others… I should have tried harder…
- Half of this country watched those debates and thought that man’s performance in any way indicated he should be the leader of our beautiful, diverse country.
- For letting the Electoral College mute the voices of nearly 2 million voters who preferred Clinton over Trump – I should have worked harder after 500,000 voters who preferred Gore over Bush were silenced and we were sent into unnecessary war(s), a recession, and peak crony capitalism. I failed to act then, and I am so sorry.
- That I wasted the time of realtors and lenders these last few months because I cannot (WILL not) buy in a home now that Republicans will control every area of the government and have dangerous plans for our economy.
- That the next generation – my friend’s children – will have to inherit a damaged environment because the future administration believes Climate Change is a Chinese hoax and has promised to decimate the Environmental Protection agency. I am so, so sorry to those young people….
- For wanting to abandon this sinking ship and not keep fighting…. and actually putting some wheels in motion to do so.
- The education system in this country failed so many. We should have been smarter and better than this. We shouldn’t have even entertained the possibility of electing fascism, but our electorate is uneducated and now we will all suffer.
- For hating my country now. I hate the flawed, and failing, experiment of democracy that we have become.
And now, I am NOT sorry…
- That I voted for Hillary Clinton – She was the better candidate, the most qualified, and would have kept our rights as women safe.
- For wearing a safety pin after the election – If it offends anyone, suck it. If even one POC, woman, or minority sees that pin and knows I’m safe and will stand by his/her side, then it’s worth it.
- That I’m seriously considering leaving. I’m sitting on a pile of cash, I have nothing keeping me here besides an amazing job, and I’ve lost faith in my country’s democracy – why the fuck should I stay?
- That I’m now “woke af” – I can tell who voted for Trump. I know who of my friends and coworkers were willing to overlook racism, bigotry, misogyny, and the tell tale signs of fascism to vote in their own personal interests. Or worse yet, because of fucking emails. And I don’t know how I will ever let that go.
- That the uneducated people who supported Trump and re-elected the uncompromising, obstructionist, NRA-owned Republican Senate and House members will be the first ones abandoned by their elected officials. You’ll get what you deserve.
- For being glad I don’t have kids who will have to inherit this shit show.
- For ordering a “Nasty Women Unite” shirt.
- For continuing to wear my “Women’s Rights Are Human’s Rights” shirt. I love it and I’m going to wear it to the local Pantsuit Nation meet-up this week.
- That I’ll be a bitch for the next four years straight. Because my bitchiness, my refusal to accept the decimation of our rights, the FIGHT I am willing to put up against the populist tone of this country as long as I am on U.S. soil, may very well save you or your children’s ass one day.