Dear anyone reading this,

It’s September 2018 and I want you to know that I am still alive, kickin’, and actually doing better than ever before. I am 100% happy and well. In fact, everything is A-Okay. I am the happiest I’ve been in a very, very long time.

If you follow me on social media you may have noticed that I went dark on Facebook in early January and with the exception of some precious vacation posts with friends, I’ve more or less given up that social media platform entirely. I can say without any doubt that removing myself from Facebook has resulted in an immense sense of peace. I have no plans to ever go back to daily scrolling on that site / app.

I took a long break from Instagram as well but decided after some time that I need an outlet for the beautiful things in my life and, more importantly, a way to see the most beautiful things in the lives of my dearest friends. And so in around April I ended up leaning into IG and it’s my social media home.

Twitter and Reddit became places of solace for me – I found tribes there that I needed and anonymity that allowed me to be raw and real, and share and learn. I’ve grieved on, and screamed into, the voids of those platforms. I’ve been heard by no one and everyone there.

But why…?  Why did I disappear after the trip to Europe last year?

Because, dear readers, last October (before the trip to Europe) I left my husband of almost five years, my home of the last nine years, my relationship of the last 15 years.

I moved into a luxury apartment in downtown Orlando and started my life over from scratch. New furniture, decor, commute. Same cat though… thank god. 🙂

Not all was lost or even awful.  We went on an already planned vacation to Europe in November. I hid the failure of my marriage from everyone – even and especially myself – for as long as possible. And he and I had many good times after I moved out.

But the ability to have good times was never an issue for the two of us. Arguably our ability to have good times was what kept us together long, long after we shouldn’t have been.

So, what the hell happened to my marriage? We were, after all, the model couple. Our wedding was the best wedding ever. What in the actual hell, man?

Well, there are three sides to every story, right? Mine, yours, and the truth. Some of mine is below – not as a means to justify the failure or point fingers, simply to convey a series of events that may help explain how two people who loved each other beyond words just couldn’t seem to make a marriage work. And hindsight is, after all, 20/20.

• There were unvocalized disappointments prior to our wedding. After 9 years together there were bound to be some communication gaps. I wish we had gone to pre-marital counseling to work through those issues earlier.
• But we got married anyway! And what a wedding it was! Ahh, April 2013…
• The “honeymoon phase” lasted about 2-months. And then came an emotional affair that lasted from July 2013 – December 2013. Our actual honeymoon cruise to Barcelona in October was an absolute disaster. All of my blog posts on the topic were so fake. We spent the day in Rome sitting on a bench talking about whether or not we should go home and get divorced immediately. I was emailing my Uncles on the very first night from the hotel Wifi letting them know I might need a U-Haul when I came home. I lost weight from being unable to eat the entire trip because I was so incredibly miserable.
• We managed to expel the uninvited 3rd party to our marriage and were in the process of forgiving and forgetting when two months later my Dad died and the entire year of 2014 was a wash. I basically put our marriage at the bottom of a very big pile of obligations.
• By the time 2015 came around, we were starting to get some semblance of a normal life together. There were festivals and concerts and trips to see friends through 2016. But somehow we were still fighting a lot… mostly about Vince’s lack of sleep, mood swings, and serious depression. I wasn’t in that great of shape either but my therapist was helping me expedite the grieving process over the loss of my Dad so at least I had that going for me.
• In 2017 I was on a career-high. An early August night I learned that I’d won the most prestigious award my company gives was the same night Vince hit an all time personal low. I got hurt in the fall out – physically – pretty badly.
• That weekend I learned for the first time the role that addiction had played in the last five – FIVE – years of our lives (before, during, after our wedding) and so despite having to recover from some physical wounds and some giant emotional ones I was so happy to think that just quitting drugs could fix everything that I decided to stay.
• Well, drugs were abandoned… but the emotional damage had been done. Trust, emotional safety, even physical safety were all beyond repair. But we tried. I tried.
• By Labor Day 2017 I knew it was time for us to get professional help. It brought me some small comfort to hear a professional recommend that both Vince and I get emotionally and mentally stable before pursuing marriage counseling. After years of working on my own emotional and mental health, I knew Vince needed to go on a journey all his own.
• And so in October, I left.

And by the following June we were officially declared divorced by the courts. Technically he divorced me but honestly it was the sweetest, most loving divorce I’ve ever known two people to have. We cared for one another and shared everything with love. There were no legal struggles or fights.

But still, I failed. My marriage failed. Somewhere, people might read this and laugh… or say they knew it was going to happen… or that they aren’t surprised…

I’m laughing again now – not at my failure but at my second chance at happiness and my new life.

I didn’t know it was going to happen – but I know without a doubt that it was the only way forward.

I was surprised – that it came to this and that I was strong enough to go through with it.

And so here I am. Better, happier, healthier – and way mother fucking stronger – than I have been in a very, VERY long time. I’m alone but not lonely. I am loved and supported by some of the most amazing people on the planet. I actually love my life, love waking up every day, love planning for my future that is SO full.

Everything is A-Okay, guys.

Love always,

• Alicia